BATTLE OF THE BITS – Denver 2008

1. Management asks for more website traffic. Ask listeners to draw images of a penis (they can’t have seen a penis before) and post them on the site

2. Motivation by humiliation. Get listeners photos in a bikini, and follow their diet progress. If they don’t make their weight goal, post the photo on the website/billboard

3. Douchebag tattoo. Get Chinese person to translate/decipher the Chinese‐character tattoo.

4. “A Salute to…” people who don’t deserve it all. Found the most spoiled brat/16‐year‐old listener to send in a video of them sitting amongst all their crap.

5. What’s your allergic reaction? (a different way to explain how you injured yourself). Cobain had an allergic reaction to gunpowder, had an allergic reaction to sticking a screwdriver in a light socket, etc.

6. Make intern/newly‐hired staff live with each member of the show for a few days, and have them report back what life is like at each person’s house.

7. Zoo publicity – Living la vida lizard; place stunt boy in the lizard enclosure for a few days with a webcam and live microphone.

8. Drunk dialer hotline – give phone number to listeners to call when they’re drunk

9. The School of Rock – a high‐school battle of the school bands. Have the school bands learn classic rock (or format) songs, then play the songs over the phone to the station; do voting, video, album compilation.

10. “Buy a House in Detroit”: houses are supposedly really cheap in Detroit, so why not buy one over the phone, sight unseen?

11. Have callers call in with Stereotypes about MY race that I hate

12. Carnie‐piece theater. Carnie Catchphrase. Get carnies to act out scripts, or identify product jingles. (The tilt‐a‐whirl worker will complete this phrase…)

13. Visual bit for a live appearance. The toilet plunger race, also known as “sand job”. Use sandpaper to see how much black‐marker can be sanded off the painted plunger handle. Helps to have an extra small plunger for Mr Jokey‐at‐the‐bar. Also, at Xmas‐time suck the color off a candy cane.
14.
When school is out for Xmas but parents are still at work, have kids shake their wrapped presents into the phone and guess what the presents are. Ultimately, have kids open their presents early
15.
What picture/video do you regret taking? Or sending to others?
16.
Long lost loves. Have private investigator track down ex‐dates, significant others, etc.

17. Have moms comment on their babies’ penis size, and how the mom would check out the kids as they got older

18. Polygamy Wife Makeover. Dress up like the polygamy wives and go out on the town. Dresses available on request of Jeff&Jer

19. Peeing in a diaper. Who hasn’t wanted to pee in public? Now you can.

20. For the Olympics – whatever country wins a gold medal… call them. Or call the country that comes in 2nd and rub it in their face

21. For the Olympics – promote that the “Olympic Flame” is going to run through downtown. Dress up someone appropriately as an “Olympic flame”

22. Gas Monkey. Dress up as a monkey and give out gas cards/bananas to listeners with station stickers on their cars

23. Hire a singing telegram service to sing a song about your show on the competition’s show. The last line of the song should be about “the best show in the world – (your show)”

24. Car Alarm , No Car Alarm. Does the car have an alarm or not when shaken?

25. Bastards Day BBQ (the Friday before Fathers Day), for people who didn’t grow up with a father. Do speed‐fathering (like speed dating). Bastards‐day Olympics with punch each other, toss the football, birds and bees station.

26. Heterosexual Pride Parade

27. Since only white guys kill their wives, if you are a white guy and want to (or have a plan to) kill your wife, call us

28. Average Woman Contest (in contrast to “Hottest Woman Contest”)

29.Announce that there’s no Santa Claus after the four‐day Thanksgiving weekend… especially after “tune in to listen with your kids at 7:20” spots ran all weekend long. “The real santa is your mother and father… gifts are in the car, garage, etc….”

30. Count the accidents on busy traffic/weather days. Bet on the over/under during a snowstorm, etc

31. List of celebrities that are “happy” or “sad”. Then have listeners call in with who they think on the show is “happy” or “sad”… and why.

32. Spontaneous Celebrity Impressions. Pull celebs out of the hat, and show staff have to immediately impersonate the celeb.

33. Sales Staff Trivia. Get the sales staff to answer trivia questions about the show. Consequences: air horn, smashed fruit, fireworks, leaf blower on desk

34. If someone on sales staff IS a fan of the show and is mocked by the other sales staff, provide free appearance fee for remote for them.

35. Offer to match the commission on a new sales person’s very first sale

36. If someone on the show doesn’t hang out with station staff, have contest where they have to name randomly‐selected staffers and what they do at the station. Works great for someone who leaves immediately after the show each day

37. Come up with a better headline for a story than the local newspaper did

38. Have listeners photoshop the show

39. Phoner: Odd de‐flowering stories.

40. How long will it take your Hispanic staff to cross the water in a ditch

41. iPod profiling. Who can call in with the randomly selected songs listed on their iPod?

42. Post Secret – anonymous secrets from listeners

43. Rip off Oprah’s Big Give. But give away a truckload of horse manure. Give the shit away to strangers

44. Three people read the same sentence. Who’s deaf, retarded, drunk?

45. Bird vs Bum. Go to the pier and see who eats a sandwich first

46. Taser call screener for screening bad calls. Or cane someone. Or shock ‘em. Or hot candle wax.

47. Mother/Daughter send in their Hot Chick Pix

48. Why are you screaming? Put sign at a drive thru speaker that says the speaker is broken, so please scream your order. As seen on Scrubs on NBC.

49. Baby Think it Overs. Everyone on staff has to maintain the baby over the week/weekend. Like Baby Borrowers. These dolls can download their data to show if the babies were kept healthy, shaken, etc and give a grade on how well you did. Check with a junior high to see if they have ‘em

50. The Hundred Yard Dash. Who’s the fastest on your show?

51. Have you seen your crazie? Does your neighborhood have a local crazy person (bum, naked, timmy the perv, bird lady, etc) Who’s the village idiot?

52. Gender Stumpers. Does whoever answers properly say “sir” or “ma’am” in response to

53. Chuckwagon Monkey Cowboy Breakfast. Open the show with “everything we say after 7a is a lie”, then after 7a produce up remote audio about how the Chuckwagon Monkey Cowboy Breakfast is going and get listeners to dress up and go out. Then sign onto Wikipedia and say that Sigourney Weaver is donating money and then go out and take pictures of all the listeners dressed up like monkeys going out for breakfast

54. Inflict pain on your show co‐hosts with horse‐level shock collar trivia

55. News Hotties. Who are the hottest news anchors/weathermen/sportscasters in your local market

56.American Idol auditions – get people to actually try to sing the phone book

57. Who’s your baby’s daddy? Why do listeners feel like so‐and‐so is the father of their baby. Like Maury Povich

58. Friendly Threesome. If caller can convince his spouse to participate in a threesome within x minutes

59. Shave your Stones for Stones Tickets

60. Diary of a Mad Man. Have listeners read from their childhood diary. Then get their mom on the line

61. Back to School Botox. Offer to give botox to the kids (but it’s really for the moms)

62. Live Remote – Wet Tshirt Contest… but the shirts are knotted and frozen. Whoever can undo and wear the shirt fastest wins

63. Have you beat up your mom