NATIONAL RADIO PERSONALITY OPENING
CHAIN OF RESTAURANTS ACROSS USA

(Dallas) Syndicated radio personality Kidd Kraddick announced today that he is opening a national chain of restaurants with a radio theme. Kraddick told reporters today that Shotgun BoChuckers Radio Cafe will borrow heavily from radio and deejay tradition.
Servers will all be unemployed radio personalities decked out in Dockers shorts and double XL Hawaiian shirts. “They don’t actually serve food. In fact, they won’t even meet the customer unless they think she might be hot.” Kraddick explained. “They just take calls with the diners’ requests for food.” “There’s a phone at every table,” Kraddick said, so diners call the ‘Food Request Line’ and place their order. “In keeping with radio tradition, that phone line will almost always be busy.” Kraddick thinks this will make it an exciting experience for the diner, who will have to call in literally hundreds of times to actually get through and place their order for lunch. Some will wait on hold for more than an hour. At the end of each order, all server-jocks will use the time-tested phrase, “I’ll try to get that on for you.” Kraddick admits, “There will definitely be people who never get food. That’s part of the fun!" Asked if bucking the current trend of personal service was a good idea, Kraddick responded, “This ordering system makes it a more personal experience. “There’s a good chance that the deejay you’re ordering from will actually hit on you and ask you to describe what you’re wearing. He might even --depending on your age--ask if your parents are at home.”

Shotgun BoChuckers Radio Café plans to offer traditional deejay cuisine consisting of greasy cheeseburgers, canned soft drinks, Twinkies, and Hamburger Helper. But Kraddick says you shouldn’t get too attached to the menu. “We plan to change the format of each restaurant almost hourly. One minute it’s Mexican, the next it’s Italian. The key is to keep them guessing.” Each change will result in the restaurant’s entire staff being fired and replaced without notice.

The chain will open 60 units simultaneously, each marketed as “uniquely and intensely local” but with virtually no difference between them. With 25 deejays employed at each location, Kraddick says he’s helping his radio brethren make ends meet while they wait for the industry to recover. “Shotgun BoChucker’s Café is putting 1200 out-of-work-deejays to work!” Kraddick bragged. “But we do hope to cut that work force by two thirds when we start repurposing the menus.” He went on to discuss “waiter-syndication” that could potentially cut his staff by over 80%.

Another unique feature will be the piped-in music, which consists of only the intro’s of songs, each with a recorded Deejay/Waiter talking up to the post. “This way we don’t have to pay those ridiculous fees to BMI and ASCAP,” Kraddick revealed, “and the jocks can stay sharp in case a weekend gig opens up in town.” What are the deejays saying in these canned intros? “Mostly just telling people to go to the website,” Kraddick said.
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